Tuesday, 25 February 2014

We wanted to carry on rolling in the hay....then marriage happened

I have been a lucky girl! I can say I have people who have been with me all my life! They have known me from way back and are still in my life. Not for what they can get from me or vice versa but because they really are great FRIENDS.

Anyway, why this sermon you may ask? One of them (a GUY! Yes oooo) decided to give me advice on being married vs being single ....and knowing your 9jachic...and her kinda friends, this friend decided to write it down.

Before I share his story, I need to let you know that my Dad met this guy ...WAIT!!... not what you think....hmmm...gist lovers! We were young teenagers about 13-15 years old (If I remember correctly). Anyway, he came around to watch a movie or so..can't recall the details...and my Dad came home early from work...sees him and throws a tantrum....The MEGA kind! (So mega that up till today, this friend has NEVER visited again! See Fear of life!)

Anyway 9jachic readers, this is his advice and story .....


Warning: This piece may or may not contain a number of clich├ęs.

Right, let’s get to it. 

Quick intro: I detest labels. You know, all that undue generalisation and broad statements like…. Ijebu men are stingy! Calabar girls are promiscuous, Hausa men are always rich……. You get the gist?.....Cool! However, nothing irks me more than declarations like “single girls are more fun” or being married is better than being single… All those accepted ‘wisdoms’ and ‘that’s how it’s done’ rubbish annoy me.

The truth is no one has the right formula for how to live life. Everyone is just making it up as they go along....Anyhow, who asked me question? Stick with me it might make sense at the end.

A bit about me, I was one of those guys who had no interest in marriage. I didn’t dislike the idea but I didn’t plan for it either. To be honest, I wasn’t really that much of a planner. For instance, I left a well-paid job in 9ja  to study abroad because at the time I felt there was something else out there for me. It was so unplanned; I left the country without much of luggage and not enough cash to pay my fees. Some one I was dating at the time asked me what my plans were after studies and all I could tell her was the truth – I hadn’t the foggiest idea. Safe to say, she didn’t wait for me. Why would she?

So long story short, got to the UK, enrolled in Uni (this was in the good old days when some unis would let you pay a deposit on enrolment and set up a payment plan for the rest of your fees). Well, let’s just say, that session was the last time they did it.  Sha, I started my M.Sc.. ..…. Can I just add that a lot of the gist they give you in 9ja na wash. No Oyinbo woman came to toast me in the club because I am black and also, Oyinbo people don’t like all that  “Going my way?” or  “Do you live in this neighbourhood” cunny-man pick up lines we favour in 9ja.  Ermm, But as a 9jaboy sha, I adapted (man can not live by bread alone... that’s all I am saying jare…..tatafo!! Face front!)

So I was saying...I remember the first time I saw the babe. 9ja babe abi chic (lol), sitting in front of the class. How did I know she was 9ja? ..Hmm…her braids and freshness. She couldn’t have been Ghanaian or South African. Na beans?  Hehehe. I knew she was 9ja though, because as an NFA ‘consign’ (ask somebody), I was sitting at the back of the lecture theatre and confirmed my suspicions when the attendance register got to me– You ‘ll think paying your own fees will make me get sense! .....

Anyway, one thing led to the other, we sha started doing something. I’d say dating but it was complicated. She was fresh out of a long-term relationship and wanted a pseudo-rebound guy – a rebound guy that didn’t mind to be rebound guy. She found the right guy!  One thing one thing (mainly thanks to the winter in these parts), things got more and more interesting. See, I know the things I like and no, I am not telling you…. Err, okay, maybe next time.  Anyway, we were (are still) both shameless people and while we were dating, I didn’t actually have the time or energy to see other people. Trust me, I am not a lazy guy; the girl just had my number.  Marriage never came into it. I was now in my thirties but anytime we talked along the lines of marriage. She ‘ll tell me to "find" a wife (you really don’t have to believe this but she meant it). She had reasons for not wanting to get married and they made sense to her. Now to all the guys, which one of you will not like that kind of arrangement? She ticks all the boxes and not bugging you down with commitment issues.  We both enjoyed whatever it was we had going on...so much that we decided to live together. Well, that and the fact that it made economic sense. Masters now completed, both of us working and one of us still paying uni fees …cough cough. At this point things were a bit more serious than before but still marriage was not on the agenda.

I couldn’t tell you what /when marriage became a topic. I think the fact that her mum found out we were living together and her dad, well, that one would have killed me kinda help crystallize the idea and when it became a thing, we both promised each other not to ever over complicate things. We knew who we were and what we wanted from each other.

There was no grand proposal. None of that burying a ring in cake lark – I can’t come and kill person pikin or kneel down on one or two knees (leg dey pain me). I woke up one night and said: “Hey! Let’s get married. I bought this ring”. She took the ring, took one look at me and said:” Yes! But we need to change this ring” (Imagine!!). 

Like play like play, we got married. Being the randy goats we both are, we had our first child just a year after marriage. The big head boy, made things a bit difficult. We had to be sneaking around our own house. Just so we don’t wake him up. I sha hope that babies don’t remember things they see early on in life because if they do, I am afraid we haff spoil this pikin.  We now have son number two (and number last! Thank you very much). And it is even more difficult to knack these days. But when you are randy you are randy. Full stop.

I am not painting a perfect picture for you here. I agree with people who think having the same person in your bed forever is probably not natural. Tell me how many other species in the animal kingdom do so. Actually, don’t tell me (nobody likes clever clogs!) but we work through the issues. We still do the crazy things we used to do.  Post-marital sex might not be as regular but it doesn’t have to be less spectacular. Ladies if you were a freak when you guys were dating, please stick to your freakiness. I use God to beg you! Guys, you might want to discuss the things you really (really) like with your wives.

Listen I am not saying being married is better than being single. I am saying live your life. A talkative friend of mine says this a lot (I can imagine he stole it): “Life is too short to be sifting Garri before drinking”. Live your life, enjoy your life, no one is going to make it out of it alive !


  1. hahahaha “Life is too short to be sifting Garri before drinking”

  2. Really inspiring.....

  3. It does sound unreal? Wonderful. Thou I do not agree with you on some things u said about marriage or dat a man shld have sex with more than one partner. Then again that's my opinion. Thanks for sharing.

  4. Very lovely,but is still not adviseable to cheat your wife